Remembering How to Trust
A few days ago, I was sitting at my desk reading this daily prophetic devotional book I have that was written by Maribeth Eickhoff. The book dropped out of my hands and onto the floor. It fell open to July 13th, which caught my attention, because that happened to be my Daddy's birthday. I read that day's entry. It talked about how sitting in grief is really being ungrateful. Reading that stung a bit....I hadn't ever looked at it that way.
It wasn't a week or two before this instance that Nellgene talked about grief in a Bible study. Nellgene is a loving, powerful women who comes to the Hope Center for Women on Tuesdays and does Bible study. She knows grief. She lost her husband some years ago. She said to us, "There is a time for grief....and there is a time when that grief will be a weapon formed against you." That stung too - because it is truth. It's kind of like you grow accustomed to grief. You were it around like a piece of clothing that you put on and you get so used to the feel of it, you get to where you don't see beyond it. That's when it becomes a weapon formed against you....at least it has become that way for me.
Today marks the day that my Daddy died a year ago. My heart misses him. But today, when I think about my Daddy, I can't make myself be all that sad about it, as awful as that probably sounds. I feel like I've made my peace with it. I do miss his presence in my life. But while I do miss him, I have grown weary of grief. I have encountered lots of loss in my life, and I have had my share of experience with grief. There is no one in this world I was closer to than my Daddy, so you'd think I would really grieve him badly, and I have. But at this point in life, I am just over being exhausted by it. Grief drains you....makes you feel like the life is getting sucked out of you.