I spent years of my life letting the opinions of others to dictate who I really am. Lost cause…junky…trashy…crazy are no way to describe the women I have become. Truth is, without God I’m nothing, but through Him I’m everything. For 38 years I have fought to stay alive and today I realize that is because the devil hates the calling that God has on my life. As soon as I came out of my mother’s womb, I fought. Due to the abuse my mom took from my dad I came way to early. When I was born I weighed two pounds so from day one the enemy wanted me dead. I grew up around violence. I witnessed things as a child that most people go a whole lifetime without seeing. I grew up on a farm. I can remember that I found my joy as a child through nature and being around my grandparents. Finally at the age of five, my mom and dad divorced.
As I kid I moved around so many times I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. I always felt weird and different from everybody else. I can remember crying and screaming because my head would hurt constantly. I didn’t have many friends but I always had God. Growing up, I would ask God what was wrong with me. He was the only One that didn’t count my flaws. All I wanted is to be accepted.
We moved away from my aunt and uncle’s house because mom found a teaching job. I was heartbroken, backwards, and bashful. I hated school but I loved church and my youth group. I developed a very strong relationship with God. No matter how many times the enemy tried to detour my mission in life, God never left my side.
At age 15, my mom remarried and we moved again. I was the odd duck and all I wanted was to be accepted. At age 17,
I was raped and thrown in a ditch. I always had a passion for writing because that was the only way I could truly express myself. It was the only thing I felt like I was good at. When you look in ditch lines you see trash and road kill. I felt worthless. This is the stage of my life when alcoholism and addiction struck me. I realize now that I had a suicidal spirit that hovered over me. The angel of death wanted nothing more than to send me to hell.
At age 20, I found out I was pregnant. I had my daughter and got married. While I was pregnant, I stopped drinking and doing drugs. I wanted my daughter to be perfect and in my eyes, she is. By age 23 I had my son. He is my pride and joy.
I was in a very toxic, mentally abusive relationship. I didn’t pay any attention to my husband because I was too busy raising my babies. They were my joy and peace. When I felt like breaking down and crying, they were there to put a smile on my face. As they grew, I would write stories for them and that is when I decided to start writing children’s books.
At the age of 26, after a very painful surgery and the death of my uncle (who was my dad in my eyes), I had my first mental breakdown. This was my first visit to Western State when I was diagnosed as being bipolar with psychosis. I stayed there for 39 days as they analyzed me and treated me like an animal.
For 10 years, I fought to keep my marriage together. At the end, he became physically abusive and I knew I was done. When my little family fell apart, so did I. At age 30, I started using and cooking meth. It started out as a way to make money. Before I knew it I was hooked and sitting in the dope house with a needle stuck in my arm.
In 2010 I got arrested for manufacturing. I will never forget the day my mom came in that jail and told me that James got sole custody of my children. I can remember screaming so loud people outside the jail could hear me. When I finally got released from jail, I sat alone in the house my children grew up in. I couldn’t take it anymore so the suicidal spirit gained complete access over my mind. I can remember taking a whole bottle of pills. My mom is my blessing because she stepped in and took me to the hospital. I died in the parking lot and God breathed His breath into my lungs. After this was my second admission to Western State.
In 2012, I got arrested again and I met the people that would impact my life for the better. I couldn’t understand how these people would drop everything they were doing to go to some crummy jail week after week. Scott and Sue Cline and their worship team brought light to me while I sat in utter darkness.
After my release from jail, I sat in the mental ward at the medical center and Sue Cline came in and told me she wanted me to come to her house. I can remember telling her she didn’t want that because I didn’t think I would ever have my mind back. The doctor said I would never be able to function in society and that I would always be confined to a home somewhere.
I was court ordered to her house. They showed me what the true love of God feels like. My whole life I walked on egg shells and for the first time in my life I felt peace. I found a love for music and learned how to play the guitar. In that little back bedroom, I started writing songs for God. During my time there, I developed a very intimate relationship with Him. Church became my new addiction.
After I graduated from the Hope Center for Women, I got a full-time job and my life started falling into place. I moved out on my own and God began to rebuild my life. I had multiple years clean. But about two years ago, I stopped taking my medicine and suffered the biggest relapse of my life. After finding out my ex-husband was one of the boys that raped me, my heart shattered back into a million different pieces. This hit me like a ton of bricks and to this day, I’m still trying to forgive and let it go.
I lost everything yet again. I never thought I would ever be homeless living in my car. Today I’m thankful for it because
I finally hit my rock bottom. I laid in a bed for two days with no signs of life in me and God breathed the breath of life into my lungs. After my car was totaled out, I was trapped in downtown Evansville, Indiana. I wanted to go home, but I was stuck in a run down house with children that were starving to death. The mother and father would leave them so I was the only one to take care of them. The outcome has given me a passion for orphans and one day I will be feeding them when I go on my first missions trip.
Finally, I called home and my family picked me up. From there I made my second trip to the Hope Center for Women. Being reunited with my family and church family brought me back to life. God began to speak to me on a whole new level. I prayed for wisdom and determination. God answered my prayers. I realize that answering the call that God has on my life is the only thing that makes sense. It took my almost 40 years to understand.
I will not be content until I complete my mission.